I have been feeling very bored lately. Which is ridiculous, looking at it. I spent this whole year creating space in my life. I started out the year beginning my yoga practice. Yoga was so frustrating at first. It’s almost as if my body was refusing the space I was trying to give it…“No,” my body said, “ keep me bottled up in misery. I don’t want to be open, I don’t want to be happy. I’m fine with the façade of happiness. I have successfully convinced everyone that I‘m fine.” And sure, I was fine, but who wants that as their daily affirmation?
I am fine. . .
I wanted to be excellent, super and ecstatic! But, I was just fine. Sure, I had great friends, a great job, loving family, but something was missing from the picture…oh yeah, SELF LOVE. I was so busy trying to love everyone else, looking for any excuse to get the attention off of loving my self. Self love starts small. Self love is different for everyone. Active self love started with yoga for me. After doing yoga for a few months I started feeling like my apartment was too small. I want a bigger living space, a living room that actually fits my couch. There is actually a pretty good lesson there. I bought a couch with out actually seeing it in person. I never made sure it would actually ’fit in my space.’ I was actively creating a living space that was a physical manifestation of how I was feeling inside. Crowded, stuff doesn‘t fit, I haven't got any room for anything else. So, I opened up and found a living space that fit my couch. Looking back, it was yoga that did that. The space I was creating in my heart, in my soul, needed more room to breathe.
Now the next thing I did broke my heart in to a thousand tiny little pieces. My important relationships started to feel like they were suffocating me. And as I think about how to put this action into words that will accurately describe it, the words won't come. There are no words to describe how to imagine that your life could be something other than what you created. There is one word. Courage. My best friend, my biggest fan and support system was suffocating me. I had allowed the relationship to become like a plastic bag tightening around my neck with no signs of relenting. Have you ever lost yourself in someone? You let yourself become totally consumed with the other person. Constantly comparing and contrasting every move, you take a look at yourself in the mirror and hardly recognize the person looking back at you because you have ignored her for a long time. I was afraid to really look at myself. Everyone has pain, everyone has suffering, because everyone is human. I let someone else’s pain become more important than my own. It's easier to look at someone else and see all of their problems and pain. Every relationship is a mirror. I like to fix them, completely and totally ignoring my pain and my well-being. This is no one’s doing but my own. I don’t blame the other people in my life because I ignore myself. I had been doing it all my life. It was what I was good at. Let me tell you something, no one is good at fixing other people. People can only fix themselves. No one I have ever tried to fix is now ‘fixed’ I am not even fixed. Humans cannot be fixed. To be fixed is unmoving and unchanging, the definition is a direct contradiction of the human condition. Long story short, I made more space in my life. The details of how and what and who are not the point. The point is, I was feeling suffocated and I made space. Yoga was creating spiritual space, and it was manifesting creatively in my life. I looked at my life and I felt like I wanted more space and freedom, so I created it. I expanded my perception of what my life could possibly look like. I was very afraid of what that was. I was in the business of ignoring myself. I was in the business of : What are other people doing and how can I do that, too. I wanted to be in the business of: What do I want and how am I gonna get it?
Space.
I wanted space, room to breathe, opportunity to do what I wanted, to use my strengths and be independent. That is exactly what I did. And here I am today looking for things to fill it with. I spent this whole year creating space, balance and peace. I am finally at a place where I feel like the storm is over, the waves are done crashing on me, I can finally breathe, I can finally float along in peace and here I am thinking of ways to fuck it all up again. Here I am finally flowing on the yin energy that I have so desperately reached for, and I am reaching for my phone to text someone to jar it all up again. You can picture the jar like a jar where I’m bottled up, or to jar, like to shake. What the hell?? I have been out of jail for 2 minutes and I’m already back at the bank, holding up the teller and I'm not even wearing a mask. I’ve paid off my debt and I’m back at Nordstrom charging it up again.
Today in my meditation I said to myself, I’m bored. And boy oh boy did God give it to me! For a few months I have been doing a daily writing exercise where I say, “What does God want me to know today?” and I write what She or They want me to know. This has been a huge lesson in self love, self trust and connection to God. I am in line with the belief that we are all a part of God. If God created the universe, which They did, and if the universe is controlled by the power of God (which is love) which it is, then I have a little bit of that power and connection to Them, because They created Me, and I can create a universe and receive revelation and inspiration for my universe which is my body and my life…. are we still on the same page?? So God said to me, in my own voice,
“Enjoy The Space You've Created”
So that is what I’m going to do. I am going to enjoy the space I’ve created. I am enjoying the space I’ve created. Sometimes I have to convince myself, but I am only human. I can only focus on myself and create things that I want. I am just going to sit and do what I want, not what I think others want me to do or what other people say I should or I need to do. I am the master of my ship and I only do what I want. The freedom that comes with that is amazing. I am getting to know my authentic self and I really like her. I love her. She is a Goddess.
