Its not you, it’s me. I think I may have coined the phrase. I am going to be 32 this year and I am single with absolutely no prospects of a husband anywhere in sight. I have never even been close to thinking that I ever wanted to marry any one I have ever dated. I have gone on about 100 first dates, some of which were terrible, some of which weren’t that bad and maybe 3 that led to more than one date. I may have something wrong with me, but I really don’t think so. People ask me all the time why I’m not married. What the hell kind of question is that anyway? It’s like asking someone why they have acne or why their nose is too big for their face, or why they are right-handed. What are they even thinking is the answer? It’s not like I don’t want to get married, God forbid the thought, it’s just that I am not…yet. Our society and especially in Utah puts a lot of emphasis on the legal contract that is marriage. Like I’m supposed to just sit around and wait for some man to complete my life by creating security, happiness and companionship. All of which I already have created all by myself.
I love my single life. I love my friends, I have an amazing career and routine. I am very cautious who I allow in.
It can all be very overwhelming. I have been a bridesmaid or maid of honor at many weddings all of which have been, in my estimation an extravagant over-funded fiasco. We are told from the time we are little girls that the greatest day of our lives is our wedding day, that’s like saying High School or your Mission is the 2 to 4 best years of your life. What a crock! I went to high school and I served a Mission and yeah, they were great but the last 8 years I’ve been home have progressively gotten better with each passing year. If the 4 years of high school were the best of my life, I would have to punch myself in the face.
All I am here to say is I have obviously felt judged behind my back and to my face that I am not married. I am here to say I am not married because it takes one hell of a man to replace no man. Which most of my girlfriends that want to give me unsolicited advice about dating have never actually tried not having a man.
They tell me what I should do and what I need, all of which have judgment behind them.
But it really is true. I feel bad for all the guys I’ve drug out on dates and refused to allow them to woo me. It is absolutely not them, it is me. It’s like the idea of them is actually better than the actual them. I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone other than myself right now. I love my freedom, I love living alone, I love sleeping alone, I love waking up alone. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is simply where I am. I am surrendering to the fact that I have not yet found a suitable mate. I imagine that someday a man will sweep me off my feet and I won’t have anxiety at the thought of seeing him again and he won’t be a distant second to reading a good book, watching The Biggest Loser by myself or curling up with my stuffed baby elephant Vicky at the end of a long day and going to sleep…alone.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Alchemy and Airplanes
Have you ever read The Alchemist, Pauolo Coelho’s masterpiece metaphor? I read it this last winter and I loved it. Sometimes books come along that change your life, or simply add to the already ever evolving, ever blossoming journey that life just is. This book did that for me. It was one of those books that I had heard about and people would tell me, “Oh My God, you have to read The Alchemist, it will change your life!” So I did and it did.
We are all on an Alchemical journey. We have opportunities everyday to change our lives for the better, to set out to find the Elixir of Life. The one thing or person that will give us exactly what we have been waiting for. For every person the journey is different, the signs along the way, even the treasure each of us seek is different. But the answer is the same, the treasure is the same. We are the treasure, we are the answer, you are your one true love, the one you’ve been waiting for, your very own Elixir of Life. I always thought it was Diet Coke, but it turns out that’s not true.
The great thing about any journey that we set out on, whether physical or spiritual, are the people we meet along the way. Why? Because every one we meet has something to teach us about ourselves. What an amazing gift! Now all of you narcissists already knew this, the whole world revolves around you. The crazy thing, and the thing that will blow your mind if you let it is that the whole world revolves around all of us. The world exists to make each one of us happy. Each one of us has the tools and the resources to set out on a journey and find our treasure. Last year I set out on mine. Many of you have been with me through the whole process and my words will never express the gratitude and appreciation I have for your love and support. I am finally at my cruising altitude. I compare this part of my journey to an airplane ride. Most of us have been on an airplane at one time or another. The take off is the hardest, the most challenging. Now, I’m not aware of the kind of magic it takes to get an airplane in the air, but I am aware of what it feels like as a passenger. Shaky, rough, lots of pressure, the flight attendants want you paying attention in case the plane explodes, so put away your kindle!! Traveling though all the different layers and levels of the atmosphere cause changes in the balance of your body, your ears pop because the pressure changes, you feel locked in your seat because your moving against gravity very quickly. It seems that everything in your body is saying, No! Go back the way we came! Danger!…then after climbing and pushing at fast speeds and busting through the sometimes tumultuous clouds , you hit your cruising altitude and , DING! You are now free to move about the cabin. You look out your window and you are above the world, above the clouds, your perspective is new, your possibilities are endless. The pressure has subsided and you feel lighter, more experienced and aware. It all happened in an instant. One moment you were climbing and struggling to hang on and then the next second you are soaring above the clouds, totally and completely free!
This is where I am now. I’m not sure where I am going exactly, I have some ideas. The difference now is the power I have because of the journey I have been on and the treasure I found, all along, in my seat-back pocket. Me.
We are all on an Alchemical journey. We have opportunities everyday to change our lives for the better, to set out to find the Elixir of Life. The one thing or person that will give us exactly what we have been waiting for. For every person the journey is different, the signs along the way, even the treasure each of us seek is different. But the answer is the same, the treasure is the same. We are the treasure, we are the answer, you are your one true love, the one you’ve been waiting for, your very own Elixir of Life. I always thought it was Diet Coke, but it turns out that’s not true.
The great thing about any journey that we set out on, whether physical or spiritual, are the people we meet along the way. Why? Because every one we meet has something to teach us about ourselves. What an amazing gift! Now all of you narcissists already knew this, the whole world revolves around you. The crazy thing, and the thing that will blow your mind if you let it is that the whole world revolves around all of us. The world exists to make each one of us happy. Each one of us has the tools and the resources to set out on a journey and find our treasure. Last year I set out on mine. Many of you have been with me through the whole process and my words will never express the gratitude and appreciation I have for your love and support. I am finally at my cruising altitude. I compare this part of my journey to an airplane ride. Most of us have been on an airplane at one time or another. The take off is the hardest, the most challenging. Now, I’m not aware of the kind of magic it takes to get an airplane in the air, but I am aware of what it feels like as a passenger. Shaky, rough, lots of pressure, the flight attendants want you paying attention in case the plane explodes, so put away your kindle!! Traveling though all the different layers and levels of the atmosphere cause changes in the balance of your body, your ears pop because the pressure changes, you feel locked in your seat because your moving against gravity very quickly. It seems that everything in your body is saying, No! Go back the way we came! Danger!…then after climbing and pushing at fast speeds and busting through the sometimes tumultuous clouds , you hit your cruising altitude and , DING! You are now free to move about the cabin. You look out your window and you are above the world, above the clouds, your perspective is new, your possibilities are endless. The pressure has subsided and you feel lighter, more experienced and aware. It all happened in an instant. One moment you were climbing and struggling to hang on and then the next second you are soaring above the clouds, totally and completely free!
This is where I am now. I’m not sure where I am going exactly, I have some ideas. The difference now is the power I have because of the journey I have been on and the treasure I found, all along, in my seat-back pocket. Me.
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