Its not you, it’s me. I think I may have coined the phrase. I am going to be 32 this year and I am single with absolutely no prospects of a husband anywhere in sight. I have never even been close to thinking that I ever wanted to marry any one I have ever dated. I have gone on about 100 first dates, some of which were terrible, some of which weren’t that bad and maybe 3 that led to more than one date. I may have something wrong with me, but I really don’t think so. People ask me all the time why I’m not married. What the hell kind of question is that anyway? It’s like asking someone why they have acne or why their nose is too big for their face, or why they are right-handed. What are they even thinking is the answer? It’s not like I don’t want to get married, God forbid the thought, it’s just that I am not…yet. Our society and especially in Utah puts a lot of emphasis on the legal contract that is marriage. Like I’m supposed to just sit around and wait for some man to complete my life by creating security, happiness and companionship. All of which I already have created all by myself.
I love my single life. I love my friends, I have an amazing career and routine. I am very cautious who I allow in.
It can all be very overwhelming. I have been a bridesmaid or maid of honor at many weddings all of which have been, in my estimation an extravagant over-funded fiasco. We are told from the time we are little girls that the greatest day of our lives is our wedding day, that’s like saying High School or your Mission is the 2 to 4 best years of your life. What a crock! I went to high school and I served a Mission and yeah, they were great but the last 8 years I’ve been home have progressively gotten better with each passing year. If the 4 years of high school were the best of my life, I would have to punch myself in the face.
All I am here to say is I have obviously felt judged behind my back and to my face that I am not married. I am here to say I am not married because it takes one hell of a man to replace no man. Which most of my girlfriends that want to give me unsolicited advice about dating have never actually tried not having a man.
They tell me what I should do and what I need, all of which have judgment behind them.
But it really is true. I feel bad for all the guys I’ve drug out on dates and refused to allow them to woo me. It is absolutely not them, it is me. It’s like the idea of them is actually better than the actual them. I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone other than myself right now. I love my freedom, I love living alone, I love sleeping alone, I love waking up alone. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is simply where I am. I am surrendering to the fact that I have not yet found a suitable mate. I imagine that someday a man will sweep me off my feet and I won’t have anxiety at the thought of seeing him again and he won’t be a distant second to reading a good book, watching The Biggest Loser by myself or curling up with my stuffed baby elephant Vicky at the end of a long day and going to sleep…alone.
