Seth?
Seth…the first of many unrequited loves. He told a joke, either on the bus or waiting for the bus. I didn’t get it. I laugh anyway, cause everyone else was laughing, but I don’t think they got it either. I think 5th graders today would get this joke, especially male 5th graders. I think the only people that got the joke then were boys. I knew all words in this joke. I’d heard them all before, I just didn’t get how when they were put in those sentences how they made up a funny joke. I knew it was a play on words, I knew it had to do with boys, and a whale. I just didn’t ‘get’ it. Like I said, I laughed anyway. At this point in my career as a comedian it didn’t matter to me if I got the joke. I was gonna go home and tell everybody anyway and get the laugh. If the internet existed back then I would have googled it and got it, and then told everybody still.
I get home from school and tell my brother and sister the joke. I remember we were at our Dad’s house. It went a little something like this.
“Hey guys, I have a joke I want to tell you.”
Josh looks up from his sketch book, and Rachel peers over the top of her Tiger Beat “Oh, great! I love jokes!” If you know any member of my family, this will sound sarcastic…it wasn’t. It was sincere.
Beaming, Bekah begins the joke.
Now this joke is a simple question and answer. Example, Why did the chicken cross the road? You know the rest, blah, blah, blah. The question is asked and the punch line is delivered. They chuckle and return promptly to their previous occupations. “It’s funny, right?” I ask
“Yeah,” Rachel manages.
“Uh, yeah.” Josh compliments.
“I’m gonna tell Dad!” I shout as I start out of the room to find my Dad and tell my hilarious new joke.
“NO!” Josh yells.
“You can’t,” tells Rachel. Now I have their attention.
“You can’t tell Dad that joke. He won’t think it’s funny.” Josh is basically pleading with me.
“But you guys did and everyone at the bus stop did.” My 10 year old logic pleaded back. I didn’t even wait for a response from my older and wiser siblings. I marched right into the kitchen to tell my Dad my hilarious joke!
Dad was in the kitchen preparing a meal. It was either an avocado sandwich, bbq steak with sautéed zucchini and mushrooms or crab salad…this part of the memory escapes me. (only my family will think that part is funny…cause it’s true!)
“Dad, I have a joke I want to tell you!” I announce as I enter the kitchen. Now this part I remember perfectly, because form here on out everything that was said and happened is forever burned into my brain. I remember him turning around, knife in hand, and looking down at me. I was short, I was only 10. I looked up and he said,
“Sure, Buck! I’d love to hear your joke!” The words every daughter wants to hear from her father. I’m sure at this point my Dad must have thought something like ‘I’m raising another hilarious person’ and pride shot out of the top of his head. Whether he thought that or not he went back to chopping. I begin the joke again.
“What is Moby Dick’s Dad’s name??” My Dad stopped his chopping, looked down at me with confusion, and another emotion I couldn’t recognize as a 10 year old.…now I’m confused, I’m like..he’s not gonna think this is funny, but it’s too late now!!
“What?” My Dad asks. Not ‘what’ as in I didn’t hear you, but ‘what’ as in What is Moby Dick’s Dad’s name?
It’s too late now, the opportunity to run away has passed. The option to turn back time never existed. I have to finish the joke. He might think its funny….
“Papa Boner!” I start to laugh. I have no idea why. I didn’t get it! Maybe I thought that if I started laughing, he would start laughing.
No.
“ Do you know why that joke is funny?” My Dad asked me.
I knew it was funny!
I think about it for a second, do I know why this joke is funny?? Let’s see…..I had heard the word ‘boner’ before. I knew it was slang for something to do with a dick, and the annoying neighbor on Growing Pains. I had to admit,
“No”
What happened next was and still is my worst nightmare. My Dad gathered me into the other room and explained to me why that joke was not funny. I have since blocked most of the explanation out. He explained it all. Sex, the birds and the bee’s, what a boner actually is, why boys get them…the humiliation goes on and on. He also explained how young ladies shouldn’t be telling dirty jokes like that. What is the next step down from humiliation?? Despair, shame? Utter and total embarrassment and regret?? I felt all of those things.
We walked back to the kitchen together, I was a zombie at that point. I met my brother and sister in the living room and sat down, staring into the blank.
“Did Dad think your joke was funny?” Josh asked.
“No,” I said shaking my head. “No, he did not.”
What a handsome guy, No?
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